Starting Before I’m Ready

Hey friend, lovely to see you again.

As a kid I hated long-form writing. My mom often laments about how she never saw me write a paper or a book report in my whole childhood. Ever.

And she’s correct. I didn’t.

My joy with being long winded has developed as I’ve gotten older. As if I have something to say, and a burning need to say it as profoundly and thoroughly as possible.

If I was a therapist I’d probably tell me that I didn’t feel heard as a child and that this is me taking back my power with my words.

Or with the release of this record I find myself owning my own truth and connecting with the childlike version of myself.

Could just be ego. Can’t rule it out.

I romanticize this as two old friends in the middle of catching up. Mid conversation like we’ve been talking for hours over a nice dinner. Or maybe we’re penpals and writing each other makes us both feel a little more understood. I dunno. I guess I don’t have to know yet. It’s only the beginning.

As I’m writing all this down, I wondered aloud to myself if this is my way of circumventing having to talk on camera on TikTok. While I don’t have any issues with chatting into a camera (I Co-Hosted a podcast for 5 years), I find the whole “document your life” format sort of exhausting. Exhausting to watch. Exhausting to do. Rutter-less and without direction.

My fatal flaw (who am I kidding there’s many) is that I strive to be perfect at the very beginning of doing something. That I should have enough aptitude and be well rounded enough to be excellent on day 1 leaving no room to get better.

And if by some chance I’m not world class at it? I must suck. I must be the problem.

I hold myself to some insane standard that I would never expect from literally anyone, ever.

It’s exhausting. I’m working on it.

I don’t have to know what this blog is supposed to be. I’m trying not to mastermind it all so I squeeze the life out of it. Maybe I can just write and that can be enough. Maybe I’ll figure out the tone or the subject matter or the right things to say. Or maybe I’ll just talk some shit and let my ideas get organized in real time. Impossible to say right now, and I think I can be ok with that.

- Gleave